You have to create what you want, not just go hunting for it. To be a good partner you need to be emotionally fit and shift from wanting something to doing something. Think back to the start of your relationship: you were willing to do whatever it takes to make that person happy. What are you willing to do now?
- Talk with your partner
You need to have five times as many positive communications as negative ones to have a good relationship, particularly if you want an intimate one. It’s easy to see the negative impact of people feeling shut down and shut out of their intimate partner’s sphere. Talking doesn’t just mean chatting for a few minutes before falling asleep. It means making plans about your future, understanding your partner’s love language and finding out what’s on the other’s mind.
What we’re attracted to in others is another part of ourselves that we’re not activating. Then we get resentful because those qualities are being shut down and stifled in the other person, which comes through as frustration with the relationship. Growth happens when we step out of our comfort zone, so go do something new together.
- Plan surprises
It sounds counterintuitive, but planning for spontaneity can make a huge difference for partners. One of our favorites is to plan a surprise date: block off time on your partner’s calendar but don’t say what you’ll be doing. Then spend quality time doing something you both enjoy, whether that’s going for a beverage or dinner, seeing a show, taking a walk, going on a weekend getaway. Your partner will see that you care enough to make time for them and you’ll remember reasons that you got into this relationship in the first place.
- Stop living old stories
This moment is the only thing that’s real. So, don’t filter your partner through a past story. That’s old news and it’s over. Instead, think about what will make that person feel loved and seen. Then do those things. Don’t know? Ask.
Giving shows that you’re making your partner a priority. Remember, if you contribute nothing, you get nothing. If you get nothing, it’s likely that you feel insignificant and unloved. Instead, think about what you can give to your partner to make them feel filled, seen, and understand that they are your top priority. Go farther than your partner expects and you’ll be each other’s number 1 fan.
Create surprises, not roadblocks. An even easier way to keep your spark? Do what you did at the beginning of your relationship and there won’t be an end.